Your favourite do-nothing co-hosts are back at the behest of Theo in the latest episode of The EMP Podcast. Jake and Jon talk about the dangers of renting a certain apartment, crap jobs, money and relationships among many other topics for your probable enjoyment.

This time, due to the fantastic(ally terrible) editing skills of co-host Jon,
the classic theme song “Demon Tied to A Chair in My Brain” by Dax Riggs is back!
Unfortunately, still no video editing software, so no Youtube video. Which is bad.
But there’s a tantalizing .zip file with the MP3 of the episode in it on MediaFire just waiting to be downloaded. Which is good! Now download it and maybe the mild Simpsons references will stop* ruining these posts.

Episode 24: Underselling The Murder House

Enjoy and keep it monstrous, everybody.

*they will/can never stop


About the Silence

About the Silence

Episode 4 of the Voice, in which the voice talks about the silence, and its related benefits depending on your living situation. Hmmm, how thoughtful? We fear the voice is beginning to make too much sense, however . . .


The Anatomy of the Absence of Light

The Anatomy of the Absence of Light

Episode 3 of The Voice.

(In which things continue to make sense.)

Background noise, and the sound of the Voice (me, myself, and the silence) here to tell you about the anatomy of the absence of light (also known as darkness, evening, midnight, etcetera–take your pick).

Make no mistake, this is not what you would like to think.

Of course, we could be wrong, right?


The Anatomy of Darkness

The Anatomy of Darkness

The Voice, Episode 2. Or, why you shouldn’t be afraid of the dark, but maybe the things hiding in the cover of darkness.

And scripts.


The Voice, Episode 1

The Voice, Episode 1: Don’t Ask

Clowns, clowns, clowns, and the eternal soundtrack of silence–let the oddity commence! Who is the Voice? You know, the VOICE? May we never know. Not for any mind-shattering reason, but because it’s better that way.

Theo Monster has approved of this message.

(And what ever happened to the Jake and Jon humans?)


Friday Threesome

Friday Threesome

There’s nothing quite like a threesome on a Friday–am I right? We seem to think so. Feast your eyes on what he have for the day:

1: Ana Somnia



3: Lose Yourself to Dance, by Daft Punk:

printablesheetAnd, for our not-so-secret fourth option, we have a printable monster card sheet. If you feel the urge to spread the monster, love the monster, or just hug the monster, we suggest that you print out a sheet and help spread the chaos! Muahahaha!

Click it! We dares you!


Live on Location

Live on Location

Where the Jake and Jon human interact with other humans. Intriguing . . . Hmmmmm, yes . . .

(Why the title? I assume it’s because I did not actually eat them, so they’re technically still alive. –Theo Monster)

Scared Yet: A Recommendation

Scared Yet: A Recommendation

The Jon human has prepared this recommendation article for you before he left for his day-job as the Penny human is also preoccupied with things like “work” and “responsibilities.” Theo cares not for these things but shall allow their lives to continue…for now. Look upon this article, ye mortals, and despair. – Theo Monster

Are you a fan of honest, fairly put opinions on literature? Yes? That’s great. Do you enjoy Creepypasta stories? No? Never heard of ’em? Well, that’s an easy fix, weary internet traveller.  Here’s a quick definition from the wiki:

Creepypasta are essentially internet horror stories, passed around on forums and other sites to disturb and frighten readers. The name “Creepypasta” comes from the word “copypasta”, an internet slang term for a block of text that gets copied and pasted over and over again from website to website. Creepypastas are sometimes supplemented with pictures, audio and/or video footage related to the story, typically with gory, distorted, or otherwise shocking content.

Now that you know what they are, you’re probably wondering “So what should I read first?” Well, I’d recomened checking out Kris Straub’s review series Scared Yet? which is a video review series featuring the author/cartoonist himself. Kris Straub, who wrote the amazing and frightening Candle Cove as well as the fantastic Broodhollow (which was reviewed on this very website) is doing this as a reward for his Kickstarter campaign raising enough money.

Kris Straub is an amazingly talented creative person and loves horror stories, particularly  of the more subtle, Lovecraftian type.  His reviews are honest, safe for work (as far as I can tell), straight to the point and fun. He even reads little snippets of certain stories and lists what they did right or wrong in his opinion. All in all a fair review even if he doesn’t enjoy the story/stories he’s encountered. I do not know how many he’ll be doing (hopefully lots) and the upload schedule is also unknown to me (hopefully more soon) but it’s still worth a look and listen.

If you’re a horror fan, a Creepypasta fan or simply looking for a good review then check out Scared Yet? by Kris Straub.

– J “the Human” Kruschack

Air Quotes Strategy

Air Quotes Strategy

Episode #17. Theo is out to lunch — feasting on the dreams of mortals — so this is Jake filling in to keep you posted with the latest from your Enigmatic Monster team.

Exasperated Sigh

Exasperated Sigh

EMPodcast episode 16. Theo Monster is not impressed. But is he ever? The Jake human gets in trouble, birds sing, the sun shines . . . And all of those nice things . . . 

Kaiju Roars & Reality Sores

Kaiju Roars & Reality Sores

EMPodcast episode 15. Thanks for the wait! Theo Monster loves you! Blah, blah, blah . . .

And Now for Some Old News

And Now for Some Old News

In which the Penny human shares some old news with everyone. We’d like to add that we’ll be contributing posters designs to the new website we’re collaborating with; all we’ll say for now is that this mystery site launches on Canada Day.

Buy Safe BBQs!

Buy Safe BBQs!

Enigmatic Podcast #14. In where the Jake and Jon humans natter away like so many worms  . . .

. . . Sorry for the delay; I forced them to have a death match with someone else . . . Fortunately no one was hurt.

–Theo Monster

Podcast #13: Homeward Bound

Podcast #13: Homeward Bound

Goodbye Me

Goodbye Me

Enigmatic Podcast number 12, a la Theo Monster; the Jon human has had some issues with his computer (silly human machines), so the the monster itself has come to grace all of you mere mortals with a temporary (meaning eternal) domination of your wills.

Theo Monster would also like to inform his followers of his recent metamorphosis: he has traded in five of his heads for all-seeing tentacles. Free hugs (for all) . . .

EMP: Live Reading!

EMP: Live Reading!

Podcast #5: iMovie Tried to Ruin Christmas . . .

(And it almost did!)

This video was engineered by Jake and Jon, the dastardly duo of Team Monster.
If you like what we’re doing, love the monster on Facebook.
Twitter @monstrousenigma
Instagram: enigmaticmonster
Spread us like a disease. <3

EM Podcast Episode 4: Of Old Men and Bridges

In the fourth instalment of the EM Podcast our plucky, erstwhile co-hosts (who totally know what the word “erstwhile” means and are completely sure they’ve used it correctly) discuss a multitude of topics including but not limited to:

– Jake nearly passing out at Black Friday
– the idea of a local sponsorship (or any sponsorship at all *wink*)
– fat drug addicts
– fat drug addicts who refuse to stop being mayor of a major city
– and much, much more!

So please, dear listener, enjoy the ramblings of two jerks with nothing better to do!

Oh yeah here’s the link dump.

Florida Mayor Arrested http://tinyurl.com/mbffedq
DiCaprio To Produce Watterson Biopic http://tinyurl.com/pu6d4mg
Radioactive Material Stolen http://tinyurl.com/n2u96mo
Walking Dead Game Season 2 http://tinyurl.com/kohj9xr
2000 Mice Parachuted into Guam http://tinyurl.com/pbo9ln3

Please leave your suggestions for Enigmatic Monster here http://tinyurl.com/lq9wdwf instead of the Facebook page. Which you should totally go to and like https://www.facebook.com/theenigmatic&#8230;

Follow us on Twitter https://twitter.com/monstrousenigma

Thanks again for listening and remember to keep it monstrous!

EM Podcast Episode 3: Third Time’s the Harm

Back with another glorious episode in tow, you hosts with the most Jake and (more importantly because he writes the descriptions and is just so great) Jon wax poetic on all manner of subjects this week. Including (but not limited to):

– the launch of Volume 1 of Enigmatic Monster in free PDF form
– video games (including Pokemon cruelty, the new consoles and Max Payne 3 shenanigans)
– the positives of using spooky masks in cover designs
– how Enigmatic Monster will be continuing from the release of the PDF of Vol. 1
– The Witch Dream that Jon had a while ago that they may have already mentioned
– why you shouldn’t mispronounce UFC fighter’s names on purpose (hint: it has to do with angering friends and physical violence)

Also included in the episode are Jacob’s terrible joke, nervous laughter and much, much more!

Please follow us on Twitter at @monstrousenigma and on Facebook!

So again, please enjoy and remember:

Keep it monstrous!

EMP PODCAST EPISODE 2: Pennsplanation Station

Greetings everybody, it’s your faithful host with the most Jonathan Kruschack. I’m back with episode two of the EMP Podcast with my co-host Jacob and our guest Penny.
I have a lot of things to explain here, so please bear with me on this and I promise!

1. Due to some internet problems with Penny, she recorded her own interview and Jake and I did the intros and outros.

2. Due to even more internet troubles Penny couldn’t get me her recording until yesterday night so something’s may be mentioned multiple times among other odd happenings.

3. I’m still not a great editor and I’m also using not-so great software/hardware to do this so once more, sorry for any odd audio problems, I tried to get this out today as fast as possible.

4. Jacob and I both seemed to have some trouble saying a few simple things like “ship-shape” and “Pennsplanation”, enjoy how entertaining we thought it was.

5. In another effort to get this out on time I did not wait to fix the image for this podcast, keeping the old one. It’s slightly off our newly minted brand but that’ll be fixed for the next podcast.

6. The next podcast will hopefully be up relatively soon but until then keep checking the EMP blog and follow us on Twitter and/or Facebook!

7. Keep it monstrous!


The Enigmatic Monster Project on Facebook

Podcast Episode 1

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