A Portrait of Lust

A Portrait of Lust by Mitchell Stoycheff


Insight: The Codex Extinct Animalia

A very monstrous find, one finds the illustrated tome of The Resurrectionist quite appealing. For one, it’s a two part book, opening with a pseudo-biographical look at a most ingenious yet delusional scientist by the name of Dr. Spencer Black. Second, it is lovingly illustrated with exquisite diagrams of mythical creatures brought to life as various formes of human evolution in a collection called The Codex Extinct Animalia — and this, my friends, is where the juiciest tidbits are found.

Some of the creatures covered in the Codex include the Sphinx, Siren, Satyr, Chimæra, Pegasus, Oriental Dragon, and more.

Finding a copy on-line at Chapters.Indigo, I was ecstatic to receive it in my post a few weeks later. I highly recommend a copy to anyone with a love of the bizarre, and the mythical.

~The One Called Jake

Monster Cake, by Mitchel Stoycheff, Jake Zaccaria, and Penny C.

Jurassic Park (Novel) Review, or “When Mesozoic Creatures Were Revived Through the Science of Magic!”

Author Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park brings to life {literally} a world of wonder… and heart-pounding terror. Westward off the coast of Costa Rica lies Isla Nublar, new home to about fifteen species of ancient animals revived through the magic of science! Dinosaurs, folks. We’re talking about dinosaurs.

Of course, most of you know all about Jurassic Park thanks largely in part to director Steven Speilberg. And while Michael wrote the screenplay for Speilberg, the film adaptation is quite different from its source material. For one, eccentric philanthropist with a love for kids Mr. John Hammond is in fact a greedy, whip-cracking capitalist with an ego larger than some of his animals, and his focus is so set on opening the park and making tonnes of money that he fails to see the issues with the park even to the bitter end, when he dies at the mercy of many hungry mouths of tiny, vicious Procompsognathus.

Second, the sheer number of cameos by these wonderful Mesozoic animals and, in particular, the carnivore’s bloodlust, brings some good pacing and variety to the story arc. Take for example the Velociraptors in the novel: pack hunters, they coordinate efficiently and swiftly when the power grid fails for the second time, and head straight for the visitor’s compound to harass, maim, and devour the nearly helpless humans barricaded inside. They practically toy with Dr. Ellie Sattler until the last moment, when it turns out they were merely distracting her (and the others) long enough to draw them away from those who were on the roof, who proceeded to violently kill the veterinarian Dr. Harding and give Dr. Sattler a real run for her life.

And Tyrannosaurus… the big king, well, queen herself, is glorious. Because of course all* of the genetically engineered creatures in the park are female (*nearly true, except for a few notable species who happened to have amphibian DNA spliced in, allowing them to change their sex and breed uncounted amongst the confines of the park). She has a human snack courtesy of Ed Regis when the power fails during a tropical storm, scatters off the rest after tossing a vehicle into a tree with Tim still inside, and throws Dr. Malcolm into the brush after nearly tearing his leg clean off. Then she proceeds to hunt some unsuspecting hadrosaurs while the fences are down, tracks down Dr. Grant and the kids on their backroad excursion through the park after being disturbed from her midday nap, and nearly has Tim for lunch when, thankfully, Muldoon comes along and tranquilizer’s her into a small coma.

One of my favourite creatures detailed in this novel are, of course, the raptors. While not technically Velociraptors — in fact they’re representatives of their close cousins, Deinonychus — the author paints our first encounters with these animals behaving as cold-blooded killers who play with their food. But later, Dr. Grant tags a juvenile male with a desire for companionship and playfulness, and tracks him to an underground nest where he, Dr. Sattler, and the lawyer Donald Gennaro witness these creature showing many amazing traits: parental care, cunning intelligence, and an almost hive-mind-esque ability to communicate amongst themselves, showing no outward aggression to these three fleshy meals-on-wheels who came careening into their domain. It really made you feel for these misunderstood beasts… Of course, it all when sky-high in a military execution of napalm to decimate the island and its ecosystem.

The park was a failure, and almost everyone involved was either dead or nearly so: a sober wake up call to the horrors one can witness when science goes too far. Not a huge divergence from the film, but definitely more cutthroat and raw than it’s almost toned-down pop culture counterpart.

Not wanting to give too much more way (and trust me, there’s so much more!), I highly recommend a thorough read of this novel for anyone — particularly a sci-fi and/or horror fan. I personally found a copy pretty cheap at my local Cole’s/Chapters Indigo on a 2 for $10 deal and, at a quarter of a century old, it would likely be an easy find at a local used bookstore or library too. Happy reading; remember, keep it monstrous folks!

~The One Known as Jake

Ashkenaz Loves His Spam

It’s true. Nothing pleases me more than a slew of disjointed comments and thoughts. My favourites are the ones about purses and watches; second on my list would be the faceless, nameless people who claim to love me (well, the team, but that includes me as well).

I have a story for you–it’s more of a parable, really, but who cares.

There were two chimps, and one baby sloth. Then they disintegrated.

Oh, you didn’t learn anything? Well, I did lie about this being a parable, but who cares. Nobody really cares much for my opinion. Not even Jake, and he was the one who discovered me. It’s all about Theo, and that Coopid thing. Coopid’s a parasite, and everyone denies that he exists. We don’t even know if he is a he. Somehow, even Coopid gets more love than me.

It’s not like I really care, or anything.

I’m going to morph into a cat now. Yes, and then someone will find me in their house.

Yessssss . . . 


Monday Afternoon


Monday Afternoon (With Ashkenaz)

That’s right, it’s a Monday afternoon, whatever that means for you mortals, and I (Ashkenaz) have absolutely nothing to say (that you could possibly understand)!

And that begs the question: why?

You know, I don’t like that. Begging the question is just the strangest thing you mortals do. What do you think to achieve? Is the question going to feel sorry for you, and then give you a golden star? Can questions even do that in your dimension?

For that matter, and on to other topics naturally, what dimension is this dimension, dimensionally? I know you’re all three dimensional, or whatever . . . What I want to know is why you can only be three dimensional. What is wrong with you all? How are you unable to achieve this mythical fourth dimension? I do it all the time.

Of course, I am metaphysical. And comprised of flame. That doesn’t really help your case, I suppose.

I suppose this all begs the question.

Do you think it will give me a cookie?

(A fourth dimensional cookie?)


The Eve

This is not a time. It is a thing.

The Eve

Why is it always a thing? It’s as if there weren’t enough problems in the world for us to face. Why not add one more? Who’s going to care anyways? So I will shrug my shoulders, pull an apathetic face, and add another burden for you all to bear.

(Feel free to call me cruel.)

This is the burden of knowledge; knowledge is power they say, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Am I not right? Knowing is half the battle, but at the same time, the more you know about something the less wonderful it becomes. Sometimes. I learned a long time ago that there are more grey areas than countries. Sometimes.

When something new comes into being, it is always a perversion of what already is. I’m not speaking about ideas, things being made, or even the natural world. This touches upon the unnatural world. That is, I should say, the world that defies logic.

When something new comes into being, it is the Eve. The eve of something old, something new, something borrowed . . . Something skewed.

But something alive, something which exists against all odds!

Think of it: the first-born mother of the latest aberration. Just repeat that. The first-born mother of the latest aberration. It sounds like song lyrics, no?

(She’ll be coming around the mountain when she comes!)

My point is that if you happen to come across one, catalogue it for me. You would make me a very happy creature!

With love,




Monday Night With Theo

There is a rather daunting lack of interest in my life. 

Monday Night With Theo

Just kidding, I’m a monster. What’s there to know?

No, instead I am here to address a very serious issue: closets.

They are not inter-dimensional portals. Stop cramming your junk into them because I am not going to take it anymore. Coopid is not going to take it either, and that’s not just because he doesn’t exist.

Someone told me a story about how four mortal children walked into a wardrobe, and ended up in another world altogether. That is just a story.

Narnia is not real.

Neither is Middle Earth (which has little to do with closets).

For your own safety, barricade your closet from the outside. Do it. Do it now. And don’t ask any questions.

And for the love of spaghetti, stop hiding your old shoes in there. They stink to the high heavens.

With love,

Theo Monster

Note: We would like it to be known that the views and opinions expressed by our overlord are not necessarily our own. We’ll probably be devoured for speaking this truth.


What New Horrors Should We Birth?

What New Horrors Should We Birth?

The Triad of Terror is now complete. Now, dear viewer: what next? What new project should we give birth to? Remember: with Team Monster, anything goes!

(Perhaps Theo needs some friends?)


This Week on EMP


This Week on EMP

As you all know, yesterday was Labour Day! And many of you would have gone to work that day, myself included. We were going to conclude The Red Raven yesterday, but with the amount of work this past week (and yesterday), that dream never came to fruition. So, we’re going to take a break from that story; tomorrow our normal post schedule will resume with Horror Quote Hump Day

In other news, the third issue of The Enigmatic Monster will be coming out October 1st. And we’re still alive and partially sane. Which is important, in case you were wondering.

Have an awesome rest of the week! Keep it monstrous!



Monster Mash

Monster Mash


Feast your eyes on this! Old monster sketches, back in the day when I took more time to sketch . . . On the bus, in the class, at work . . .



-Penny C.

The Time Machine

The Time Machine

Come see what we’ve added to the collection: the original book by HG Wells, and the classic movie (which we’ll be sure to watch soon)!


The book itself is a fairly quick read, and is in the public domain if anyone is interested in reading it (go to Project Gutenberg); it’s a pretty good read. If you’d like to support a publishing company, you should be able to find it in any bookstore, physical or meta-physical.


As for the movie, we’ve only seen the latest one so far (with the ‘sexy’ Morlocks). While it was an entertaining watch, we’ve heard that this one is truly fantastic, so we’re quite excited to see it.

Did you enjoy? Wait until you see what else we have in the collection!

Peril In Panels Volume 7: Dead Winter

“Rest easy, comrade. You’re off the clock now. Your shift is over.”


Hello, hello, hello and welcome to the latest edition of Peril In Panels*, this time we’ll be taking on the daunting task of discussing the webcomic Dead Winter by Dave Shabet,
a delightful romp through the zombie apocalypse. My name is Jonathan Kruschack and I’ll once again be your guide to all things comics. I’ll be doin’ my best to show you what stands out from the rest (hey, that’s a good line). And trust me when I say that this is not just another zombie apocalypse story. This is a shining example of a well thought-out, interesting, and over all good zombie story, in a sea of mediocre-to-good ones. But let’s put a pin in that point for a minute and talk about the comic’s plot, characters and creator. Continue reading

The Show Must Go On

That is correct, the show MUST go on! Four months is far too short a time for an undertaking such as this one; all of the work we did would just seem a waste if only a few people had a chance to see it.

Not only that, but we had so much fun making our 1st issue that we want to give you more! So here is our offer to you: you can give us inspiration for stories to write or you can send in something to Team Monster. Also, if there’s anything you believe will help make The Enigmatic Monster Project even better, we’re all up for hearing it! 

Once again, thank you for all the likes, shares, and follows! Team Monster wouldn’t be here without all of you! Spread the word and help us with our monstrous undertaking!

LogoThis message has been brought to you by Team Monster! Keep it monstrous!
If you like what we’re doing, don’t forget to love the monster on Facebook.
If you haven’t had the chance to check out our 1st issue, Team Monster would like to share it with you now.

1st Issue Now Available:

Team Monster is proud to announce the release of The Enigmatic Monster, issue 1.

There are two versions available:



Once more we would like to thank everyone for their support. For the time being Team Monster will be looking into making more issues for the project, but who can say for sure? Let us know what you think about our work; we welcome any and every suggestion/constructive critique that you have to offer.

If you like what we’re doing, and find it to be quite awesome, spread it to the far corners of the world! 

Coming Soon . . .

Cover of first issue!Coming soon to The Enigmatic Monster Project will be the very first free issue of The Enigmatic Monster. There will be several versions available come Thursday (October 31): a PDF file (with working links), and an online version (at the Read page, which will be put back up tomorrow)!

Due to technicial difficulties we were unable to create an EPUB document at this time. However, the PDF document should work fine on your tablet, by itself or with the aid of a helpful app (Penny uses iBooks).

On Thursday there will be a new post with the download, and we’ll update a few of our pages (and link to those for your convenience). The first issue will remain online until a possible next issue .

Team Monster would like to take the time to thank all of our visitors, viewers, and valued supporters! Thank you for all the love you have shown us! If you have any ideas, comments, or suggestions, feel free to drop us a line! Help us make this project AWESOME!

On a further note there will be no updates on the project by Penny this week, for those of you who follow her on Tumblr. There will be a rather unusual wrap up to The King in Yellow blog series for this Friday, and another podcast with Jake and Jon is underway. On another note, we will try to upload some more creative process work for everyone to enjoy!

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Love the monster on Facebook!
Twitter: monstrousenigma
Instagram: enigmaticmonster
Don’t forget to eat your veggies! They’ll help you grow up big and strong, almost as strong as Buffy the Vampire Slayer! (Maybe . . .)

Lair of the White Worm

Lair of the White Worm

“Seeing where the head of the monster was, the two men ventured a little further forward, and saw that the hidden mass at the base of the shaft was composed of vast coils of the great serpent’s body, forming a base from which the upright mass rose. As they looked, this lower mass moved, the glistening folds catching the moonlight, and they could see that the monster’s progress was along the ground. It was coming towards them at a swift pace, so they turned and ran, taking care to make as little noise as possible, either by their footfalls or by disturbing the undergrowth close to them. They did not stop or pause till they saw before them the high dark tower of Doom.”

-Excerpt from Lair of the White Worm, by Bram Stoker

The Willows gradually lead in to Lair of the White Worm, a lush, sprawling narrative. It took me places I never expected . . .

Okay, I’ll spare you the purple prose.

Continue reading

The Terror

Let’s take a moment to think about terror. For this type of blog it’s a cliche topic lumped in with a bunch of cliche posts . . . Or not. After all I’m all about half-dissecting things to look at them from the inside out, and then discarding them, leaving them to rot out in the sun. To put it lightly, that is. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been leading you down a rabbit hole without rhyme nor reason, or a definite end.

Maybe I’m just messing with you.

Continue reading

Of Monsters and Metaphors

Monsters have been with us for over a millennia. Go back into ancient history and you’re more than likely to find legends about mythical creatures, demons, and so on.

My question for you is: what were those monsters really?

Were they all just a misunderstanding?

Or were they simply metaphors? In Greek mythology, for example, centaurs were rowdy, violent, and dangerous. They were also a danger to women. Fancy that, eh? We read those stories and wonder why the people of ancient Greece thought they were real (there’s no real reason, really), without even stopping to think if we’re the ones who have it all wrong. There’s so much to these ancient civilizations that we do not know. For all we know the centaur was really a metaphor for dangerous men, in the same way that Little Red Riding Hood was a cautionary tale about talking to strangers.

I could go on and on. The Brother’s Grimm collected a vast array of these stories, and all of them had a lesson to teach us. So why not monsters?

It makes perfectly good sense to me, anyways . . .

Of course, we also know that some monsters were actually real. The unicorn, for example, is actually just a glorified rhinoceros (and, in Medieval literature at least, a metaphor for sexuality*).

Then again, giant squid were literally giant squid . . .

So what then? What’s real?

Or do we really want to know?

*In a nutshell. And no, I kid you not. Just look at some of those pictures and tell me they’re not a euphemism waiting to happen!


Facts and Matters

It’s amazing what a human will sense when they are afraid; the things which they would have normally ignored in their day-to-day lives come to the forefront. Due to ignorance they are seen as something other than what they really are. Continue reading