Monday Afternoon


Monday Afternoon (With Ashkenaz)

That’s right, it’s a Monday afternoon, whatever that means for you mortals, and I (Ashkenaz) have absolutely nothing to say (that you could possibly understand)!

And that begs the question: why?

You know, I don’t like that. Begging the question is just the strangest thing you mortals do. What do you think to achieve? Is the question going to feel sorry for you, and then give you a golden star? Can questions even do that in your dimension?

For that matter, and on to other topics naturally, what dimension is this dimension, dimensionally? I know you’re all three dimensional, or whatever . . . What I want to know is why you can only be three dimensional. What is wrong with you all? How are you unable to achieve this mythical fourth dimension? I do it all the time.

Of course, I am metaphysical. And comprised of flame. That doesn’t really help your case, I suppose.

I suppose this all begs the question.

Do you think it will give me a cookie?

(A fourth dimensional cookie?)


Monday Night With Theo

There is a rather daunting lack of interest in my life. 

Monday Night With Theo

Just kidding, I’m a monster. What’s there to know?

No, instead I am here to address a very serious issue: closets.

They are not inter-dimensional portals. Stop cramming your junk into them because I am not going to take it anymore. Coopid is not going to take it either, and that’s not just because he doesn’t exist.

Someone told me a story about how four mortal children walked into a wardrobe, and ended up in another world altogether. That is just a story.

Narnia is not real.

Neither is Middle Earth (which has little to do with closets).

For your own safety, barricade your closet from the outside. Do it. Do it now. And don’t ask any questions.

And for the love of spaghetti, stop hiding your old shoes in there. They stink to the high heavens.

With love,

Theo Monster

Note: We would like it to be known that the views and opinions expressed by our overlord are not necessarily our own. We’ll probably be devoured for speaking this truth.


And Now for Some Old News

And Now for Some Old News

In which the Penny human shares some old news with everyone. We’d like to add that we’ll be contributing posters designs to the new website we’re collaborating with; all we’ll say for now is that this mystery site launches on Canada Day.

Existence Without Consent . . .

Existence Without Consent . . .


Whatever in creation exists without my knowledge exists without my consent.

–Cormac McCarthy

We tend to say that a lot, but we’re only human. I wonder how many species have gone extinct because of that train of thought?

On the other hand, Cthulu! 

And that’s about all there is to say on the matter.