Deception smiles behind its mask
A facade of joy; a troublesome task
Lying dormant: calculating
As it waits to strike, unsuspecting
Gazes flicker behind the mask
Beware: for in the glory which you bask
For vivid tales can not atone
And towers crumble from single stones
Go on, lover,
lift up my skirts
feast your eyes where the sun never shines.
Who is it going to hurt?
People like you, they complain
about the agenda of the gays.
“They’re nothing like you and I, beautiful!”
Or so you claim.
I disagree with such statements
false as they are.
In saying them, what do you gain?
They’re almost like me, darling.
They want to love, they want to live.
They want to eat, darling!
You became a part of my agenda
the moment you fell victim to my sultry gaze,
So go on, lift those skirts.
Let me show you what I live for.
Go on, lover!
I’m gonna eat you up,
Go on, lover, feed this whore.
Licking the softness,
tasting the sweetness–
that sugary goodness–
“Oh, sweet flesh of mine!”
Licking and sucking,
warm bodies quivering–
“Oh, you spoil me, Richard!”
Sanguine streams flow lazily
across eyes rolling crazily–
“Oh, I could eat you up, Richard!”
Licking the softness . . .
This year things have changed for Team Monster, most of which having to do with work and writer’s block (the worst monster I’ve encountered so far). We were going to work on Sault Ste. Misery, and release that at the end of the year (in October, which is our forlorn, snowy holiday of the year now; we are so done with November and December).
Things got off track, and the Spring cleaning bug has bitten me (symptoms of which may include lethargy, depression, distraction caused by any type of mess, and the obsessive desire to clean anything that isn’t in your house). There are a lot of things I would like to do in order to clean up the site, and further rebrand.
So, here’s what you can expect:
- The menu has been cleaned up already, so the former project links have been disabled.
- The material from the projects will be re-released through the blog.
- The original three issues will be cleaned up, revised, and re-released, hopefully by September.
This is the plan so far. There are too many things I would like to do with the project, but not everyone has enough time to do them.
Thought and suggestions are always welcome!
Thanks for your support so far! Theo loves you!
Things get very real in this post. Surprise!
Yeah, you might not want to be eating or drinking. Because this is probably the most bizarre thing I’ve ever come across. Someone from Team Monster sent this in to me . . . And I really don’t want to finish my coffee now . . .
Seriously, don’t eat anything. I know by saying not to eat anything you’re going to want to do exactly that while you look at this . . . But don’t. Theo commands it.
Or you can watch giant men holding tiny ducks instead:
Ever since these two became a part of Channel Awesome I’ve been watching them from time to time. If you want a good horror flick, or a good-bad horror flick to watch I would recommend watching their videos (they also have their own shows too, but they work together so well).
Guys, things, are starting to get weird. And that might be a good thing.
After a very long delay, the two hosts with the most are back. Jake and Jon discuss Jake’s moving out, Jon talks about his jaunt into IT support work, neither of them are making any money, the utter joy/frustration of a Quan Chi mirror match and talk about some movies (Jurassic World, Supremacy and more). They also dance around a topic that shall never be talked about. Really, Jon just laughs at it.
As mentioned by Jon, here is the Nostalgia Critic’s hilarious review of Jurassic World.
And here’s the download link for the episode. Enjoy and remember to keep it monstrous, everybody.
2014 in a gritty little package.
Here’s a question for you: what would you like to see more of on the Enigmatic Monster Project?
“I don’t see why you’re so cut up about it–oh . . .” As he turned around he noticed his partners lack of life. They had literally been cut up. But by what? was his immediate question. Who could have done this, or–he made a loud gulping sound–what could have done this?
On the one hand he was scared half to death.
On the other hand he was trying so damn hard not to burst out laughing. The situation was so ludicrous he was almost in denial. For crying out loud, this was exactly what happened in B grade in horror flicks!
Well, he said to himself. You can always join them, and then beat them later! Feeling strengthened by his new resolve, he straightened his pristine lab coat.
Then he filled both pockets with every sharp object he could find.
Before leaving the room he turned back to his partners corpse. “Promise me you won’t turn into a zombie and I promise that I will avenge you.”
UNDERSELLING THE MURDER HOUSE (EMPODCAST #24)
Your favourite do-nothing co-hosts are back at the behest of Theo in the latest episode of The EMP Podcast. Jake and Jon talk about the dangers of renting a certain apartment, crap jobs, money and relationships among many other topics for your probable enjoyment.
This time, due to the fantastic(ally terrible) editing skills of co-host Jon,
the classic theme song “Demon Tied to A Chair in My Brain” by Dax Riggs is back!
Unfortunately, still no video editing software, so no Youtube video. Which is bad.
But there’s a tantalizing .zip file with the MP3 of the episode in it on MediaFire just waiting to be downloaded. Which is good! Now download it and maybe the mild Simpsons references will stop* ruining these posts.
Enjoy and keep it monstrous, everybody.
*they will/can never stop
About the Silence
Episode 4 of the Voice, in which the voice talks about the silence, and its related benefits depending on your living situation. Hmmm, how thoughtful? We fear the voice is beginning to make too much sense, however . . .
There is a rather daunting lack of interest in my life.
Monday Night With Theo
Just kidding, I’m a monster. What’s there to know?
No, instead I am here to address a very serious issue: closets.
They are not inter-dimensional portals. Stop cramming your junk into them because I am not going to take it anymore. Coopid is not going to take it either, and that’s not just because he doesn’t exist.
Someone told me a story about how four mortal children walked into a wardrobe, and ended up in another world altogether. That is just a story.
Narnia is not real.
Neither is Middle Earth (which has little to do with closets).
For your own safety, barricade your closet from the outside. Do it. Do it now. And don’t ask any questions.
And for the love of spaghetti, stop hiding your old shoes in there. They stink to the high heavens.
Note: We would like it to be known that the views and opinions expressed by our overlord are not necessarily our own. We’ll probably be devoured for speaking this truth.
Ashkenaz is an A$#h@!3, and Theo would like to apologize for his misbehaviour.
A Most Humble Apology
That is correct. Ashkenaz is a trial at the best of times. Clever he can be, but insufferable he can be tenfold. Don’t pay any mind to him.
It is true that the minions are busy with their lives. I assure you that they are still working hard to keep me from devouring your world. They do a very good job at it. It is also true that they work and read. It could be worse. At least they’re not spectral gas-beings.
Also, I would like to apologize for any name calling. He thinks he knows everything. Dump a bucket of water on him if you ever see him, and then we shall see what he knows.
Another point of interest: Ashkenaz made mention of a Coopid. In fact, he’s popped up several times in the past. This messenger does not exist. And it did not fall off of my backside.
That’s just too poetic for me to even stomach.
P.S: Anything that is slightly arcane, I would appreciate that you promptly forget it.
P.P.S: To the man wearing the purple sweater: well done!
A message from Ashkenaz, the Living Flame:
Oh My, Life is Being Intrusive
It’s come to my attention that our minions have not posted to the blog for around four days. On behalf of the management, I would like to apologize. Apparently these worms have lives–ridiculous, I know, but they insist that it is the truth. Penny claims to be reading, and working; Jon is working, and reading; Jake is reading, and working; Rhonda and Dave are working, and reading; even Brad is busy. I suppose he’s working and reading too.
I must say, you creatures are boring. However, the fact that you are boring is what makes you so interesting–you all know that you’re very boring, and yet don’t at the same time. It’s like you’re all idiot geniuses (if you don’t mind me saying).
Ah well, lucky for us that you’re a boring species, I suppose.
I was speaking to the Messenger, Coopid, the other day. He had little to say of course. Or she had little to say. Even I, Ashkenaz the Wizard, have no idea what gender Coopid is. It will likely mean nothing in the aeons to come. I’m pretty sure Coopid is just a parasite that fell from Cthu–er–Theo’s backside.
I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the least bit true.
Well, it’s been really mundane talking with you finite beings. Have a nice night? And enjoy your pumpkins I suppose.
The Anatomy of the Absence of Light
Episode 3 of The Voice.
(In which things continue to make sense.)
Background noise, and the sound of the Voice (me, myself, and the silence) here to tell you about the anatomy of the absence of light (also known as darkness, evening, midnight, etcetera–take your pick).
Make no mistake, this is not what you would like to think.
Of course, we could be wrong, right?
The Anatomy of Darkness
The Voice, Episode 2. Or, why you shouldn’t be afraid of the dark, but maybe the things hiding in the cover of darkness.
There’s nothing quite like a threesome on a Friday–am I right? We seem to think so. Feast your eyes on what he have for the day:
1: Ana Somnia
3: Lose Yourself to Dance, by Daft Punk:
And, for our not-so-secret fourth option, we have a printable monster card sheet. If you feel the urge to spread the monster, love the monster, or just hug the monster, we suggest that you print out a sheet and help spread the chaos! Muahahaha!
Click it! We dares you!
Jon Gave Dracula a Drinking Problem
“I’ve got Dracula in a diner pouring blood from a flask into a glass of cranberry juice so nobody’ll notice. That’s pure literary genius.”
With the onslaught of bad vampire books/movies, nobody seems to know how real vampires are supposed to act nowadays. Some people tend to be strange anyways . . . So (theoretically) Dracula could get away with this, because everyone would assume that he’s that guy who happens to be the closet alcoholic.
Yes, yes . . . I just quoted a member from Team Monster. Go ahead, sue me, flame me, blah de blue. Just don’t write any bad fan fiction. Please?
Death, I Thought He Was a Fool
The smell was the most offensive, most horrible thing that anyone had assaulted me with. Before me, on the asphalt, lay the man spread-eagled. The smell was emanating from him.
It was the smell of death.
His breathing came in short, spastic breaths, his chest heaving as if the simple act were killing him too. Tears were streaming down his face, rivulets that cut away at the dirt and grime. A tangled grey nest was his hair, and his clothes were nothing more than rags on a stick-man.
As I leaned in closer the man opened his eyes–they were still no more than slits.
“You. Miss. Come. Closer”
I did as he asked. How did you deny the requests of a dying stranger?
“Please!” he coughed.
“What happened to you?” I asked him. I felt a sickening mixture of pity and disgust within me. I didn’t need to look at myself to know that I was crying.
He closed his eyes again. There was silence, his shallow breathing barely heard.
“What happened to you?” I asked again.
“Please?” he coughed once more. I realized that he was not addressing me, but someone else, someone unseen. As far as I knew, we were alone. I shivered.
The man managed to look at me once more. “I was just like you once. I had a home. My health. Death came to me one day . . . I was to die . . . But I struck a bargain with him.” He swallowed. “I could live–If I accepted a gift of foresight!” The man spasmed, and I jumped back–he ignored me, and continued.
“I thought that I had cheated Death–Death, I thought he was fool! But the gift . . . Was a curse. I. Could. Not. Control it. Each time . . . It came to me . . . And a day of my life was taken away.
“But he did more than that. He. Took. Away. All the things–all the things I loved! I would see them die . . . And then he would take them. I died inside each time, while my days were taken from me. When they were all gone . . . My family . . . My friends . . . He took away my things . . . My job . . . My house. Until there was nothing.
“Until I was nothing.”
The mans breathing became more shallow, more erratic–until it stopped. His eyes opened wide in terror.
And then he died.
Regardless of what I believed, Death had finally taken this man–a man who had taken the gift of foresight to prolong his own life.
This short story has been brought to you by Team Monster, inspired by The Daily Post.
Team Monster likes to eat an apple a day, because that keeps away more than just the doctor! Keep it monstrous!