The Enigmatic Monster Project

Lost Episode: IMPcast Episode 30 “The Blurst Of Times”

Note: This is a lost episode, meaning it was buried in the Drafts folder for around 4 months. I have no idea what it’s about. Theo, forgive me for what I am about to do (or don’t, I don’t care)! –P. L. Cobb

Another sizzling, tantalizing episode of the IMPcast, hot off the grill and, simultaneously, also slightly old. The two hosts with the most take about a multitude of topics, like Jake’s mail adventure, Jon’s new full-time job, their shared love of the SBFP Zaibatsu’s Until Dawn play-though and more.

Listen, learn and love their inane rantings! Have a sad/amazing dance party to their tales of daring do (nothing at all they’re both kind of boring).

Download Episode 30, “The Blurst of Times” here.

And please, remember to keep it monstrous, everybody!

excerpt_oriental_dragon

Insight: The Codex Extinct Animalia

A very monstrous find, one finds the illustrated tome of The Resurrectionist quite appealing. For one, it’s a two part book, opening with a pseudo-biographical look at a most ingenious yet delusional scientist by the name of Dr. Spencer Black. Second, it is lovingly illustrated with exquisite diagrams of mythical creatures brought to life as various formes of human evolution in a collection called The Codex Extinct Animalia — and this, my friends, is where the juiciest tidbits are found.

Some of the creatures covered in the Codex include the Sphinx, Siren, Satyr, Chimæra, Pegasus, Oriental Dragon, and more.

Finding a copy on-line at Chapters.Indigo, I was ecstatic to receive it in my post a few weeks later. I highly recommend a copy to anyone with a love of the bizarre, and the mythical.

~The One Called Jake

Monster Cake, by Mitchel Stoycheff, Jake Zaccaria, and Penny C.

Jurassic Park (Novel) Review, or “When Mesozoic Creatures Were Revived Through the Science of Magic!”

Author Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park brings to life {literally} a world of wonder… and heart-pounding terror. Westward off the coast of Costa Rica lies Isla Nublar, new home to about fifteen species of ancient animals revived through the magic of science! Dinosaurs, folks. We’re talking about dinosaurs.

Of course, most of you know all about Jurassic Park thanks largely in part to director Steven Speilberg. And while Michael wrote the screenplay for Speilberg, the film adaptation is quite different from its source material. For one, eccentric philanthropist with a love for kids Mr. John Hammond is in fact a greedy, whip-cracking capitalist with an ego larger than some of his animals, and his focus is so set on opening the park and making tonnes of money that he fails to see the issues with the park even to the bitter end, when he dies at the mercy of many hungry mouths of tiny, vicious Procompsognathus.

Second, the sheer number of cameos by these wonderful Mesozoic animals and, in particular, the carnivore’s bloodlust, brings some good pacing and variety to the story arc. Take for example the Velociraptors in the novel: pack hunters, they coordinate efficiently and swiftly when the power grid fails for the second time, and head straight for the visitor’s compound to harass, maim, and devour the nearly helpless humans barricaded inside. They practically toy with Dr. Ellie Sattler until the last moment, when it turns out they were merely distracting her (and the others) long enough to draw them away from those who were on the roof, who proceeded to violently kill the veterinarian Dr. Harding and give Dr. Sattler a real run for her life.

And Tyrannosaurus… the big king, well, queen herself, is glorious. Because of course all* of the genetically engineered creatures in the park are female (*nearly true, except for a few notable species who happened to have amphibian DNA spliced in, allowing them to change their sex and breed uncounted amongst the confines of the park). She has a human snack courtesy of Ed Regis when the power fails during a tropical storm, scatters off the rest after tossing a vehicle into a tree with Tim still inside, and throws Dr. Malcolm into the brush after nearly tearing his leg clean off. Then she proceeds to hunt some unsuspecting hadrosaurs while the fences are down, tracks down Dr. Grant and the kids on their backroad excursion through the park after being disturbed from her midday nap, and nearly has Tim for lunch when, thankfully, Muldoon comes along and tranquilizer’s her into a small coma.

One of my favourite creatures detailed in this novel are, of course, the raptors. While not technically Velociraptors — in fact they’re representatives of their close cousins, Deinonychus — the author paints our first encounters with these animals behaving as cold-blooded killers who play with their food. But later, Dr. Grant tags a juvenile male with a desire for companionship and playfulness, and tracks him to an underground nest where he, Dr. Sattler, and the lawyer Donald Gennaro witness these creature showing many amazing traits: parental care, cunning intelligence, and an almost hive-mind-esque ability to communicate amongst themselves, showing no outward aggression to these three fleshy meals-on-wheels who came careening into their domain. It really made you feel for these misunderstood beasts… Of course, it all when sky-high in a military execution of napalm to decimate the island and its ecosystem.

The park was a failure, and almost everyone involved was either dead or nearly so: a sober wake up call to the horrors one can witness when science goes too far. Not a huge divergence from the film, but definitely more cutthroat and raw than it’s almost toned-down pop culture counterpart.

Not wanting to give too much more way (and trust me, there’s so much more!), I highly recommend a thorough read of this novel for anyone — particularly a sci-fi and/or horror fan. I personally found a copy pretty cheap at my local Cole’s/Chapters Indigo on a 2 for $10 deal and, at a quarter of a century old, it would likely be an easy find at a local used bookstore or library too. Happy reading; remember, keep it monstrous folks!

~The One Known as Jake

IMPCast Episode 29 “Blackened Liver (feat. DJ Byrdchirpz)”

Jake and Jon are back with another thrilling episode of the podcast! Renamed the IMPCast, where they discuss a multitude of subject including Jake’s new apartment, Jon’s new temp job and the fact that Jon really though Johnny Depp was in Django Unchained when it was Leonardo Dicaprio (he was confused by their twin terrible moustaches). So give it a listen and enjoy the ramblings of your two favourite co-hosts.

Download link here Impcastep29_edited.mp3

Keep it monstrous, everybody!

Sorry About Your Dad

Sorry about your dad.

Sorry he’s not real.

Sorry you can’t really talk too much about him . . . For reasons?

Sorry About Your Dad, written by P.L Cobb with art by Jake ZaccariaSorry he tried to summon things into this reality.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who am I kidding?

I wasn’t sorry about your mother, so why would I pretend to feel badly about this?

Your family is pure evil.

Deal with it!

Ashkenaz, the ever living flame, and jerk

Our benovelent/malevolent overlord, Theo Monster

Episode 28 “We Won’t Talk About It”

After a very long delay, the two hosts with the most are back. Jake and Jon discuss Jake’s moving out, Jon talks about his jaunt into IT support work, neither of them are making any money, the utter joy/frustration of a Quan Chi mirror match and talk about some movies (Jurassic World, Supremacy and more). They also dance around a topic that shall never be talked about. Really, Jon just laughs at it.

As mentioned by Jon, here is the Nostalgia Critic’s hilarious review of Jurassic World.

And here’s the download link for the episode. Enjoy and remember to keep it monstrous, everybody.

Episode 28 “We Won’t Talk About It”

Ashkenaz, the ever living flame, and jerk

Monster Cake

Monster Cake, by Mitchel Stoycheff, Jake Zaccaria, and Penny C. #art #photomanipulation,#wtf http://theenigmaticmonsterproject.com/2015/07/10/monster-cake/

Theo baked you a cake . . . Yay! #alwayswatchingyoulol

By Mitchell Stoycheff, Jake Zaccaria, and Penny C.

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Our benovelent/malevolent overlord, Theo Monster

Nepotism Is Real, Shut Up

Episode 27 of the Enigmatic Monster Project Podcast, “Nepotism Is Real, Shut Up”, is here to fill your day with the ramblings of your favourite co-hosts.

They talk about problems at work, problems obtaining work, bad ideas, good titles, Jon’s hatred of Sudbury, the lie of being overqualified for jobs and how you always bring a gift to Diaper Parties or else you look like a jerk.

Download the episode

Keep it monstrous, everybody.

Our benovelent/malevolent overlord, Theo Monster

Working For Bones

They’ve kept you waiting long enough, have another episode of the EMP Podcast!

Jake and Jon discuss their lives, their terrible jobs, movies they’ve seen, internet hatred and more! You can’t afford to miss yet another thrilling conversation between these two pals so download the latest episode right now.

Jon discussed two topics, both projects of YouTube phenomenon LittleKuriboh.

The first one, We’re Still Here, is a personal project wherein he openly discusses his constant struggle with depression. A wonderful series of videos where he first talks about something that makes him happy and then handles an aspect of depression, such as suicidal thoughts or feeling like he doesn’t matter. The series is a way for him to help not only himself, but others who deal with depression (or those would simply like an honest look into what a person with said problem goes through).

Secondly, The Mark Remark, is a comedic satire show where LittleKuriboh (aka Martin) does a funny voice, stands in front of a green screen and hilariously runs through the current WWE product, from RAW, SMACKDOWN! and even PPVs. Watch as he cuts apart terrible commentary, in-ring botches and sometimes takes a little break to go to a theme-park. No need to be a fan of pro-wrestling to enjoy it, the show is jam-packed with humour for everybody (though also occasional swearing, so watch at your own risk).

Keep it monstrous, everybody!

Our benovelent/malevolent overlord, Theo Monster

The Sun Will Cut You

The two hosts with the most are back with episode 25 of the Enigmatic Monster Project Podcast. Appropriately titled “The Sun Will Cut You” for reasons only to be understood should you download and listen. Jake and Jon discuss their lives, what EMP has been up to, movie plots, Jake’s destroying of his relative’s septic tank ( which is 100% his fault) and more.

Download Episode 25

Links:

Enigmatic Monster Tumblr

Zelda Moon

V/H/S, V/H/S 2, V/H/S: Viral 

Angry Sun

Golden Axe music

Snake Pit split with My Stupid Life by Mitch Clem and Ben Snakepit

– Keep it monstrous, everybody!

UNDERSELLING THE MURDER HOUSE

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UNDERSELLING THE MURDER HOUSE (EMPODCAST  #24)

Your favourite do-nothing co-hosts are back at the behest of Theo in the latest episode of The EMP Podcast. Jake and Jon talk about the dangers of renting a certain apartment, crap jobs, money and relationships among many other topics for your probable enjoyment.

This time, due to the fantastic(ally terrible) editing skills of co-host Jon,
the classic theme song “Demon Tied to A Chair in My Brain” by Dax Riggs is back!
Unfortunately, still no video editing software, so no Youtube video. Which is bad.
But there’s a tantalizing .zip file with the MP3 of the episode in it on MediaFire just waiting to be downloaded. Which is good! Now download it and maybe the mild Simpsons references will stop* ruining these posts.

Episode 24: Underselling The Murder House

Enjoy and keep it monstrous, everybody.

*they will/can never stop

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EMP PODCAST 4 in 1 Special

They said it couldn’t be done. That it wouldn’t or that it shouldn’t. But we’ve done it anyway. The EMP Podcast is back! All previous episodes are recorded and ready for download in these convenient .zip files loaded with MP3 goodness!  So enjoy these episodes and laugh as we mention in each one how long its been since our last episode!

Episode 19 “Live On Location 2: The Sequel”

Episode 20 “Mapping Mars”

Episode 21 “Why, Hello Billy”

Episode 22 “Wiggly Waggily Lines”

Episode 23 “The Handoff”

Now, our loveable hosts Jake and Jon regret to inform you that due to technical and time restraints, these episodes are rushed. Some don’t have the incredible, amazing intro/outro music (“Demon Tied To A Chair In My Brain” by Dax Riggs) and volume levels can be a bit high (very few and far between) and they apologize for these problems.
Software failures and work-related last-minute schedule changes forced our hands.
It was this or they never go up. Once again, our apologies, especially to those who follow our youtube account Theo Monster and were expecting the podcast up in video form.
As stated earlier, technical problems were abound. We also apologize for the lateness of these episodes, our long absence should end now that Jake will be recording and Jon will be editing.

Enjoy the episodes and keep it monstrous, everybody!

Where Did We Go Wrong…?

Where Did We Go Wrong?

Submitted by Jacob Z.

That primal urge to take flight from a predator is terrifying yet exhilarating: when you run, and your heart is racing and your mind is reeling, you realize that this is living — you are alive! But if you don’t quicken the pace, you won’t get to enjoy that feeling much longer. You can hear the little hum of the rotors somewhere behind you: you dare not look back.

You seem to glide through the empty streets and alleys effortlessly, leaping over hurdles and scaling fences like your life depended on it — as surely it does. Your chest is heaving now, and your vision blurs; there are so few places to take cover, though, and your pursuers are quick as lightning.

A wrong turn, and you’re facing a wall just a little too tall to scale up; you cannot turn around, though, because they will spot you for sure. There’s a refuse bin large enough to crawl into on your left: without a moment’s hesitation you stash yourself inside just as the whirring hum looms louder…!

There’s a little flash of light — barely detectable between your eye’s saccades — but you realize with a start that they’re closing in! Should you stay in your bin, helpless but hidden? Or should you try to run past them, keep fighting on… The time it takes for you to decide proves too costly, as the whistling comes to a standstill just outside!

You hold your breath, but by some means or another — maybe infrared or x-ray? — they’ve spotted you, because the sickening mechanical motions of the drone’s weapons array coming to the fore echo in the cramped alley. And before you can even pray to your maker, the bright & sharp blade of their plasma cuts through the bin and you, striking for your spinal cord and hindbrain. There is no pain: you black out almost instantly.


 

<mission>ongoing=projectProtectEarth;sub=neutralize_threats</mission>

<target>threats_detected=1;rectify=y/n</target>

<y>

<deploy>weapon=y/n</deploy>

<y>

<calculate>target_neutralized=y/n</calculate>

<y>

<calculate>remaining_threats=42355/7463098425</calculate>

<mission>resume=y/n</mission>

<y>

 

The End.

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