There is a rather daunting lack of interest in my life.
Monday Night With Theo
Just kidding, I’m a monster. What’s there to know?
No, instead I am here to address a very serious issue: closets.
They are not inter-dimensional portals. Stop cramming your junk into them because I am not going to take it anymore. Coopid is not going to take it either, and that’s not just because he doesn’t exist.
Someone told me a story about how four mortal children walked into a wardrobe, and ended up in another world altogether. That is just a story.
Narnia is not real.
Neither is Middle Earth (which has little to do with closets).
For your own safety, barricade your closet from the outside. Do it. Do it now. And don’t ask any questions.
And for the love of spaghetti, stop hiding your old shoes in there. They stink to the high heavens.
Note: We would like it to be known that the views and opinions expressed by our overlord are not necessarily our own. We’ll probably be devoured for speaking this truth.